Well, it’s over.

2020, I mean. While that has a lot of us muttering “good riddance!”, there are also many of us who have found ways to look at the bright side. 2020 has been a year of personal growth and learning like no other. Here are some quick tips to maximize your wellness while parenting during COVID-19.

1. Since being perfect is not possible, let’s stop trying. Easier said than done. Trust me, I know – I am the queen of workaholism and perfectionism. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that perfectionism is the thief of joy and often ends up with us doom scrolling at 2 am. We all have strengths, but we can’t be good at everything. When you fail (and you will, we all do), give yourself grace and move on.

An example – I have never been a morning person, and I probably never will. I like staying up late, and get some of my best work done then. My husband and kids aren’t morning people, either. So when I found out this year that our kid’s bus pick-up time had been moved up to 7:30 am, it threw me for a loop. It took less than a week to realize that getting the kids on the bus just wasn’t worth the stress and anxiety it caused when I could drive less than 10 minutes and drop them off at 9 am. I used to beat myself up over things like this, but this year? Just. Don’t. Care.

The moral of the story is, play to your strengths, do what’s right for you and your family, and life will go so much smoother for you. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing! They’re not perfect, either. And those perfect pictures on social media? Fake news. Even those people don’t have it together all the time.

2. Spend some time thinking about what makes you, you! Becoming a mom is such a huge transition, and it can swallow us up in one bite. Especially if we are focusing on #1 (see above). Do yourself a favour, and think back to what used to really lift your soul before having kids. Did you love to paint? Or was it yoga practice, going for walks in the forest, listening to punk music really loud in your car, or skipping rocks on the water? 

Then I want you to write it down, and brainstorm all of the ways how you can do it on the regular now that you have kids. Talk to your loved ones about what you love doing. Chances are, there will be a way – even while parenting during covid-19, that you can fit it in here and there.

This will be the best self-care you will ever have. It will fill your cup up so much and change your mindset.

P.S. – work things don’t count!

3. Start recognizing your triggers. We all have them. Triggers are things that can set you off emotionally and throw you into a fight, flight or freeze mode. Once you start noticing these triggers and what your body does in reaction to them, then you can anticipate it happening. When you know they are coming and are able to name these feelings, the after-effects won’t last as long.

I’ll give you an example – when I have someone important to me coming to visit my house (which rarely happens now), I usually end up with knots in my stomach and I can’t eat or sleep. I go into hypervigilance (flight) state, trying to clean my disaster of a house in record speed, leaving my kids and husband in complete awe and utter confusion. Then, I get snappy because I haven’t eaten and am exhausted. Now that I recognize this, I spend less time in this state, listen to a mindfulness video, or force myself to take a break to eat. We all have traumas and triggers – and our kids often pick up on them before we do, which isn’t fair to them. Figuring out what sets you off will make your days at home run much smoother.

4. Set boundaries and stick to them. I don’t know about you, but for me, Covid-19 has put a lot of strain on my relationships. Once you know what triggers you (again, write them down), set your boundaries to protect you from these triggers as much as you can.

Here’s another example – when my kids playfully hold on to my leg and want a ride, it makes my stomach flip and my skin crawl. I used to get upset at them for it, which is completely unfair. Now, I have been able to set a clear, age-appropriate boundary so that we both don’t need to be in that awkward situation. They now know that my foot is a no-sit zone.

This can apply to your kids, friends, family, the school system, your co-workers, daycare, whatever. You may get some push-back but stick with it. It’s worth it.

5. Try to spend more time in conscious awareness. Have you ever driven for 10 minutes to the store and not remember a thing about the trip? That’s because you were probably thinking of a million and one things you have (or feel like you have) to do. Maintaining conscious awareness takes a lot of practice, but it will making parenting during Covid-19 go much smoother.

Next time your kids are acting out, try this: Once they are relatively settled post-meltdown, sit down with them in a quiet place. Look at their face, touch their hair, smile at them, tell them you love them. See them for who they are. At first, they may think you’re weird. Eventually, you will see the wall fall down and they will begin pouring out their insides to you. They will never feel so connected, and a connected child is much easier to reason with than one who feels alone.

6. If you find yourself saying “everything is fine” and it’s not, indeed, fine – stop. Most likely, everything right now in your life is not fine. I’m not fine. You’re not fine. We are not fine. So why do we say it? Often, because we don’t want to burden others, or even ourselves, with what’s really going on with us.

The best thing to do? Start by talking it through with someone who will lift you up. The important thing is to find someone who can listen without trying to fix the situation, place blame or try to tell you what your problem is – a therapist, friend, family member, whoever. Just be careful with who you share your truths with.

Once you have commiserated and feel a bit better, work through some small changes you can make to your life, and then plan to take some even smaller steps to get there. Some situations (like leaving an abusive relationship) involve BIG changes and you will need lots and lots of support. Remember, any sort of change includes ups and downs, good days, and not-so-good days. Eventually, you will see a shift and you won’t want to look back.

Hopefully, you have found these tips helpful. Wishing you and your family all the best in 2020,

Tori