By Courtney Stanley

I have sat down to write my journey many times. I always start it, then start to think that no one really cares to hear it or that others may think I’m seeking attention. The truth is I just really want to share what I went through, for many reasons. I want others to have a glimpse into the world of infertility, one that I never thought I’d be a part of, a “club” that I am both honoured and saddened to be a part of. I want people to understand me better and the person I have become. The truth is, infertility has changed me. It has changed me in some ways for the better and some ways for the worse. For this infertility awareness week, I want to share my story with you.

Getting the Results

I remember sitting in my specialist’s office, dreading what she may say. I can hear her saying it still, that I had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on my own. Ouch. That stung.

My heart shattered.

I had been dreaming of becoming a mother for so long. All around me friends and family members were getting pregnant with ease (or so I thought), and believe me, I was so happy for all of them! Never once did I miss a baby shower, a gender reveal, or a chance to meet my new favourite littles. But to be completely transparent, a part of my heart did break every time I read another pregnancy announcement or received another phone call or text.

Infertility Treatment is a Marathon

For months at the beginning of my journey, I was thrown into many tests and surgeries, preparing my body for IVF as that was our only option. I felt like it consumed me. It is all I could think about. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I felt like whenever I met someone I wanted to start the conversation with, “Hi my name is Courtney and I am infertile.” I felt like I wasn’t me anymore. As the months went by, I began to have severe stress and anxiety. Each month I would think, “maybe this is the 1%, maybe I’ll be pregnant.” Then I would get my period – I would grieve all over again.

So many times I asked God why; why me. I thought I was a good person. I thought I must have done something to deserve this. It began to overtake all aspects of my life; my work, my relationships, and my overall happiness.

When we did our first round of IVF I thought, “this is it! I’m going to finally be a mom!” Then we didn’t retrieve as many eggs as predicted and we only got three embryos. I was devastated. Two weeks went by and the blood test confirmed I was not pregnant. We decided to take some time off and reattempted in the spring.

Spring rolled around with another failed cycle. We did get one frozen embryo though, which we attempted within the summer. This failed again. We decided we would do one more round of IVF.

In the fall of 2018, we did our third IVF round and it resulted in failure yet again. I don’t think I even cried when I received that result. I was so numb – I just expected it to not work. We did still have one frozen egg and we decided we would wait till after Christmas. I had a dear friend’s wedding that I was standing up in and honestly, we just needed to breathe.

In January of 2019, we went to an appointment. At this point I had checked out, I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to move on to other options. My sister came with me to that appointment and she told me she would donate her eggs to me and/or carry a baby for me. We had one embryo left. My doctor decided she wanted to try me one more time, so we agreed. In the meantime, my sister still went through all of the blood testing and additional tests to see if she could be a surrogate for me or donate her eggs for me.

Our Exciting News

I made many lifestyle changes and on March 1st, 2019 we transferred a grade 4, day five, blastocyst. On March 14th, 2019, I found out I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest days of my life, next to the birth of my son.

I cherished every moment of pregnancy.

Despite having developed idiopathic pregnancy induced thrombocytopenia and having a very scary labour, I would do it all over again. When the doctors delivered Mason and said “Courtney, Justin, it’s a boy,” I felt a peace just settle over me. I wake up every day and stare at my son thanking God for answering my prayers.

“For this child I have prayed” 1 Samuel 1:27

For me, my journey has resulted in my son whom I am so thankful for! But, for so many it does not end like this. I am very aware of that and I emphathize with you all.

The Journey Doesn’t End Here

For many they see that I have my son and everything must be so perfect. To an extent it is.

What people do not see in the world of infertility was the countless needles I had to give myself every day, the many blood draws, the many ultrasounds; the surgeries, the procedures, the four am wake up calls and driving to London and going to work after. You don’t see the diet changes, exercise change or the driving across the border to get medication you can’t buy in Canada. You don’t see the emotional and financial toll it can take on someone. The crying the waiting – oh the waiting.

What you also don’t see is the many amazing people have met along the way -the doctors, nurses, laboratory technicians, and women in the waiting rooms or in online platforms or in a support group. My family and friends were so supportive, always allowing me to vent, cry, and just be with them whilst always respecting my feelings (which we’re not always rational).

I’d like to say my journey is over but the reality is every month I still pray I’ll be that 1 %. I am still envious at the ease others seem to have to get pregnant or as they discuss so flippantly the planning of timing of a second child when I will never get that opportunity.

A Reminder To All about Infertility

So I ask you, please choose your language wisely as you talk to others about fertility and family planning. The unsolicited advice I have received prior to getting pregnant, or even after about a second child, I just shake my head at. You never know what people are going through. You can’t see infertility. 

Although this is a club I may have never wanted to belong to, I am honoured to be a part of it.