Men of the world, let me let you in on a little secret: you really do not want to get on a labouring woman’s bad side! With that in mind, it is in your best interest to keep the following seven things out of the delivery room when your partner is in labour:
That McDonald’s Cheeseburger You Want For Lunch
Not only will this make your partner insanely jealous while she sips on her ginger ale and slurps red Jell-O, but the smell may make her nauseous and most importantly angry at you for making her want to throw up. Stick to low-odour foods in the delivery room, like ham sandwiches. They are always a safe bet.
Make sure you get some food brought to you so that your wife doesn’t have to hear you complaining about how hungry you are while she is trying to push a baby out of her vagina.
And whatever you do, do not go across town for that Mr. Sub you so desperately desire instead of the Subway next door to the hospital because it is “better”. It would just be your luck that shortly after getting stuck in a traffic jam, you receive a panicked phone call from your partner asking where you are because she’s fully dilated and about to start pushing.
If this happens and you miss the blessed event, you will never live it down and you will owe her your soul forever. Once your partner delivers she will be ravenous. It will then be your duty to bring back the greasiest, most delicious foods out there!
Those Muddy Boots
The last thing your partner is going to want to worry about while pacing back and forth between contractions is getting a sopping wet foot from your wet shoes or boots. Save everyone the grief and take them off at the door.
While your at it, think ahead and pack yourself some indoor shoes as the probability of stepping in something unfortunate is high. And no, you do not get to complain if your wife’s water breaks all over the floor and you step in it. It’s not the same thing, and chances are she is completely soaked so complaining about it to her is not a wise decision.
Tablets and Mini TVs
I don’t care if your wife is sleeping in between contractions and you are bored out of your mind. Or if it’s the last inning at the end of the World Series. Putting the game on while your partner is in labour with your child is a death wish.
Unless your partner is a sports fan and getting Sports Center updates will help take her mind off contractions (which I highly doubt), do yourself a favour and PVR the game. This situation is probably why PVR was invented in the first place.
Gum If You Chew Really Loudly
The benefits of having fresh breath will be offset by the annoying smacking sounds that chewing gum produces. A good middle ground would be to brush your teeth (especially if you’re a smoker) and to ban gum in the delivery room. Win-win!
If that’s not possible, I’m sure your partner would settle for breath mints. Trust me, no one wants to smell garlic breath or hear annoying chewing sounds while in labour!
Unless you are playing a game that your partner can participate in, then leave that phone in your pocket.
Regardless of what you may think, she will not appreciate listening to the play by play of your exciting game of candy crush. I know that game is super awesome and addicting but your child’s birth is definitely not the time or place.
Same goes for frequently checking social network updates or messages on your phone. Having a baby pretty much makes you a celebrity and it can be hard to resist checking your phone, but your priority should be about supporting mom and baby. After baby is born I give you carte blanche to tweet and post away the good news!
While family involvement will depend on your partner’s birth plan, it is generally a safe idea to have your parents waiting patiently in another room far, far away instead of in the delivery room or just outside.
Your wife will be at her most fragile and will not want to worry about whether her mother-in-law and father-in-law saw or heard something she didn’t want them to.
Every new mom wants to pretend everything embarrassing that happened during labour and delivery was part of her imagination, and that is her right! The less witnesses the better.
Also, do not go out of the room to talk to them every five minutes. If she asks you to give them an update then by all means but otherwise wait until you get the blessing to bring them in to see the newest addition to your family.
Anything Annoying. Really.
This encompasses all things that could potentially annoy your partner or set her on edge during labour… So pretty much everything.
It’s pretty easy. If she tells you to stop breathing weird, stop breathing. If you’re being too chatty with the hospital staff, stop talking. And if you’re laughing too much, definitely stop laughing. Best of luck as your future may greatly depend on your actions.
The labour and delivery experience can be hard on both moms and dads. But your partner wins because she had to walk around with a giant baby in her uterus for nine months, and now has to push it out.
To avoid receiving awkward death stares during your partner’s labour, follow the above suggestions. Soon enough you will have a new beautiful baby and it will all be worth it. But never ask your partner how much longer until the baby will come out, or you may get throat punched!
Have any funny stories about dudes in the delivery room? Any extra advice? Please share in the comment section below!